The seven must have moves that makes you an expert in bed
A great body? Being able to tie a cherry stalk into a knot with your tongue? Knowing every position in the Kama Sutra?
What ARE the qualities that separate an average lover from a brilliant one?
I’d say if you can tick all these boxes, you can award yourself a big gold star!
1. You listen and learn
There’s no such thing as someone who is good at sex, it completely depends on who your partner is.
When we say someone’s brilliant in bed, what we’re really saying is they like the same style of sex we do and practice techniques the way we like them.
Match someone who likes intimate, romantic sex with someone who’s into S&M and it’s highly unlikely either will rush back to their friends and rave about what a great lover their new partner is.
If you want to be the best lover your partner’s ever had, you need to do the things they like.
It really is as simple as that.
Technique can be learned but you’d be far better off knowing nothing and listening to your partner and being guided by them than having a wealth of experience and doing what youthink they want.
2. You’ve mastered the basics but customise to suit
Most people know which bits fit where but you need specific, nitty-gritty information to be a good lover.
A lot of sex information is too general: it talks about how women need clitoral stimulation and men love receiving oral sex.
Great advice but if you haven’t got the foggiest of how to do either, utterly useless.
Sex is a bit like typing.
You can get by using two fingers but you’ll never be as good as someone who learnt to touch-type and practised every night.
Going back to grass-roots level on all the basics (how to stimulate with your fingers, tongue, using a sex toy etc) and checking you’re on the right track technique wise is a good idea for all of us, no matter how hot you secretly think you are.
Sex skills can be learned and we can all improve on them.
Having said that, the trick is to master a few, basic techniques (my book Hot Sex: How to do It has lots of step-by-step practical tips on this) then customise them to suit the person you’re with (no book can tell you how to do this – only they can).
Sex isn’t one-technique-suits-all: what worked for one lover, won’t necessarily work for another.
3. Practice does make perfect
The best predictor of orgasm in young women is the number of sexual experiences they’ve had.
In other words, the more sex you’ve had, the ‘better’ you are at it.
One study of more than 6,000 young women (2012) found rates of orgasm and enjoyment increased dramatically from that first, fumbled, awkward sex encounter to later sex sessions when the women understood their bodies more and what feels good.
4. You don’t judge
Being able to calmly listen to what your partner wants and needs sexually without having a kneejerk reaction or taking it personally (‘What’s wrong with the sex we have now? Are you bored of me?) is hugely important.
Even if you admit you aren’t interested in trying any of what they suggest, the very fact that they can ask, knowing you won’t judge them or make a fuss, is an enormously positive factor for most people.
5. You’re open to trying new things
Routine is comforting for lots of people and sex is no exception.
But while being in a routine is a bonus for making you stick to going to the gym, it’s the kiss of death in the bedroom.
The main reason why people don’t try new things isn’t because they’re worried they won’t like it, it’s because they’re nervous they’ll look foolish or won’t be good at it.
Obviously, you are justified saying no to certain experiences but having a sense of fun and a ‘Why not?’ attitude is crucial to having satisfying, enjoyable sex.
6. You’re able to talk about sex without embarrassment
If you only put one tick in the box, this is by far the most important.
It’s something we hear time and time again – that couples should talk about sex – but it’s also something surprisingly few couples do.
Yes, body language and moans can help steer your partner in the right direction but for anything more complicated you have to use words.
Be as specific as you possibly can be when talking about sex.
Anyone who has ever done ‘The Cube’ mind exercise knows even though we think everyone thinks the same, we all visualise very different things even for mundane objects.
(The Cube asks you to describe simple things like a horse, flowers, a cube and a desert: most people are shocked to find how varied and individual our imaginations really are.)
It’s the same with sex.
Your idea of ‘fast’ or ‘soft’ may not be their idea of it so always show and tell, if possible.
As a rule of thumb, to avoid offending (and ruining the sex you’re having at the time), give only positive feedback during sex and any negative feedback afterward.
Sex is a sensitive subject for pretty much everyone, so make sure any criticism you do give is done with affection, sensitivity and tact.
7. You’re not self-conscious
Looking attractive and having a great body will get you attention, compliments and lots of ‘likes’.
But having confidence and feeling sexy is much more important than having supermodel good looks and a ‘perfect’ bod.
What is a perfect body anyway?
Some men love Kim Kardashian size buttocks, others are repulsed; some women love big muscles on men, others think they look ridiculous.
Yes, you’re heard it before (many, many, many times), this time believe it: confidence is what’s sexy.
Having sex with the light on and on top of the covers with an average body is going to get you a lot further than looking like Gigi, clutching the covers up to your chin and wanting complete darkness.